"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, 

an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

"Thau" 2009

Funeral May 9th, 2015 Montreal. Magnus Poirier Pie IX Cemetary

May 3rd, 2015 4:50 p.m. Passing of Thau

 Taking a walk on Mont-Royal, I get to the cross about an hour before Thau passes. As it turns out, Sacha was also on the mountain in the park with his kids. We were both feeling the stress of the last week and separately took the time away from hospital over the weekend. I like to think that the prayer we both separately sent out was to clear the Montreal skies on one of the nicest days since easing out from the dark winter.

Arriving back home, I got the call from Thau's little sister, Vanessa, of the passing, Sacha and I arrived an hour later. I breathed out long, and remembered thinking, "Thau picked such a beautiful day. He would've loved today". 

The family was gathered around the room, mother and aunt in vocal mourning and wailing to the spirits. Yav sitting on the bed with his head on his brother's chest and shoulders. Later the entire family gathers for a laying of hands on the body. Voices of mother and aunt are filling the room.

Nyla, Vanessa, Yav & Kafiy

Palliative Care - April 30th

 
Friends are starting to hear word of the situation are making visits. At this point he is on a morphine drip to ease the pain. The doctor explains that the condition of Thau's heart is so rare that it's not known how long he can pull through. I hear about how Thau was involved with the details of his treatment in palliative care, where it is decided if any resuscitation procedures would occur, it was opted that none would take place. Earlier, Thau also requested to be baptized.

Thau was not eligible for a heart transplant due to the paralysis. The arrhythmia in his present heart was beyond treatment towards recovery. With no IV, his nourishment would only be what his mother could feed him in waking moments. 

His mother has been by his side the last fourth months, processing medical information, keeping track of the daily care, updated visitors. Now she is pure emotion,  Thau and her lock eyes every moment possible. She is singing lullabies, fixing his hair, continuously whispering sweetness and adoration to her son. Every clear breath Thau has, he saves to say "I love you" to his mother.

He is able to respond to visitors from Friday, and rested in sedation for the rest of the weekend.

Last days in ICU - April 29th

Thau's condition taking a turn towards the worst, his circulation was poor due to his strained irregular heart beat and his extremities were turning blue. He is returned to the ICU. The outlook is more serious, the situation is now a degenerative one. Internal organs are being affected.

It has been a couple of weeks since last visiting. Alain calls me to visit thinking that Thau is getting better, I inform him that things are looking bad.

Thau is weakened and tired and quiet. Family is in from out of town. Brothers and sisters are keeping watch in shifts around the clock now.

Alain sits with Thau, I leave the room to take a phone call. I return to the quiet room. Thau seems bored, staring. I invite Alain closer and introduce him, Thau apologizing for not recognizing him earlier, Thau is active enough to engage conversation.  We reminisce about old glory days at Stereo Club, Alain always hosted us in his DJ booth, where we surveyed many a dancefloor and took in some amazing music from there. 

We laughed about how Thau always had an ability to charm his way (and 20 of his close friends) past the guest list at Stereo. With that, Thau asserts that wherever he ends up, he'll make sure we're on "the guest list"... Just have to let him know how many people. 

"Just tell me how many peoples!! " he repeats over and over, lifting his hand inviting us to grab it in solidarity. We let him embrace us to support his weight so he can shift over in bed, and take in the moment.

Vanessa and me
 

 Alain

Retun to ICU - April 28th

News that Thau is back in ICU brings uncertainty about a positive recovery, and in fact has become a more serious outlook. Things are fading now. 

Yav was unable to visit since he was first present after the initial stroke. He was bearing too much emotion from the situation, kept his distance - and now, arrives in total hysterics. I hear him break down in the hallway outside of Thau's room. When he enters he is almost thrashing through his sobs, apologizing for not being strong enough to have visited more. He throws himself on his brothers body, Thau embraces back with all strength he has. He hooks his arm around his brother and they struggle together to shift Thau so they can face each other. 

I take a moment and leave the room, Yav and Thau have some time. Later after things have calmed down, Yav gets some air downstairs and returns to the waiting room to join Sacha and I. Yav recounts that in their moment, Thau whispers to his younger brother, "Don't break my stuff".

Yav

Physio Session - April 8th

April 8th

Visit with Karla for the afternoon, my birthday. Thau is awake and able to greet us and active enough to want to move to a wheelchair and visit in another room outside of his hospital room. 

Dawn has been visiting and we wheel Thau down the hall to a common room, then to the physio therapy room. Thau is weary of his surroundings, gets cloisterphobic that triggers his anxiety. He takes anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic medication. 

He has had a few physio sessions, his mother explains they are extremely frustrating, the dead weight of his paralyzed left side, swelling of his hand, wrist, ankle and foot. Right side is weakened from being stagnant.

Karla, a dancer, helps encourage Thau by mirroring his exercises, we both count aloud with him as he tests his ability to stand with his two physical therapists at his side. We shoot hoops, as he practices passing a ball from one hand, and twisting his body to strengthen his right side, bearing the mobility against the deadweight of the left. 

I give Thau a claw from a polar bear paw, one that I got from an Inuit hunter when I traveled to the Canadian Arctic. Karla ties it as a necklace around Thau's neck and we create for it a symbolism of the claw will help steady Thau's spirit should feel he is sliding, as if on ice. He takes in the symbolism, and proudly repeats the story to his physio-therapist, carrying motivation for a few more exercises. 

When his body strains, and over-exerts, he flops over in a melting exhaustion and shallow breath. But there were triumphs as Thau was able to lock eyes with Karla and calmly count through his exercise. A few times he gave us a smile through his exhaustion, he would finally become upright, teetering for a brief moment, eye to eye with the rest of us. 

Evidently this was the strongest session, as his therapists observed. His physio schedule would be reduced in the next week or with complications affecting his strength. 

Visits - March 9th - March 29th - April 2nd

Kaiji and Nawej leave a message to their dad

January 30th

Lisa reaches out and scoops me from work to visit. One of the first visits where Thau was able to sit upright. Unable to speak because of the trach tube, Thau is responsive, communicative with his hand. Lisa massages Thau's restless legs and feet, easing Thau's agitation from being confined to the bed. 

3/9, 6:50pm - Group message update

Yesterday's visit was a triumph as we were able to finally hear Thau speak, they have refitted his tracheotomy tube to close so that air passes over his vocal chords. Hard to put into words how happy it was to hear that Thau's thoughts were together and fluid, his mind attentive. His skull had been put back together on Thursday as the brain swelling has finally diminished. 

The past couple of weeks had some setbacks from a fever and he had fallen into a coma for a day. His lungs were in constant need of care to be cleared out. Now it seems that he is working on connecting with his muscles so that he can cough on his own. He sits up in a chair and is working on standing with assistance. 

The concern for his weak heart remains, he will be transferred to cardiology unit, most likely to considered as a candidate for possible transplant.

Thau seems to absorb the vitality of each of his visitors with a gaze he would hold, he would fix his eyes on each face, and as if he was connecting to deeply missed presence, but I'm also sure he was getting ready to sell me something. 

Although his face is visibly worn out from his trouble sleeping, he was able to be present as we chatted, sang songs, listen to music and recall memories. His mom encouraged by his son's progress.

Brian

Brian, Karla, Sacha

March 29th -

Visited Thau alone soon after he was moved from ICU to Recovery ward. During past visits as it turns out, I was never alone - either Thau's mom was there or I visited with friends.

This day, Thau's mom was away, and I visited for a couple of hours.  The food service came, I would feed him and got to talk. He was going stir crazy from being cooped up, needed to get out of the hospital. We started planning a break out, texted Sasha to see if he would supply the getaway car. Sacha agrees, obviously ;)

I brought up some summer plans, how the weather would break soon, and we could hang out in the Parc Lafontaine across from hospital. Thau chatted about his plans to get a condo in the area, something close to his kids and their school. Something nice.

Then at times there were downhills in our conversation, he was having some crazy nightmares, and anxiety, that were wearing him down, sometimes the conversation would turn dark, about ending it.

Thau would tire out and rest. I left, aware of the limits of Thau's isolation for his day to day spirit.

April 2nd -

Megan flew in from out of town and we link up with Andy to visit. Thau stirs from his sleep and immediately recognizes Megan "from Bermuda" and Andy.  We had our visit during meal service, Thau had energy to setup and converse. 

He is preoccupied with the slower nursing care in the Recovery ward, and his regiment of medication, no longer on IV's, he takes pills through out the day. 

Updates: Group messages - January 27th - January 31st - February 5th

Getting a shave

1/27, 8:58pm - Group message update

Friends of Thau,

This evening I was able to visit, this time Thau was able to open his eyes and see me, and communicate with hand gestures of his right hand. In the past he has been under heavy sedation. He can't speak because of the tracheotomy tube in his neck, but I relayed every and all your best wishes to him, I could see in his eyes that he was hearing the positive support. 

There is still swelling in his brain, and the part of his skull that was removed won't be put back until the pressure is gone. His weak heart and irregular heart beat is still a concern, and constantly monitored. But his awareness and communication is a hopeful sign, a midst the powerful medication. Still recovering in intensive care, its is unclear if it is as of yet suitable for him to receive visitors, his parents appreciate the wishes of support. 

1/31, 1:33pm - Group message update

Yesterday, the hospital staff adjusted Thau's bed so he could sit up. After a day of being sedated because his lungs had to be cleared out, he was awakening in the early evening, and active for the half hour visit.

Also his medication tubes that were in his neck were moved to his arm, giving him mobility for his head, he was feeling out movement of his head from side to side. His mother said that when the tubes were repositioned into his left arm (the paralyzed side) the arm flinched with the piercing of the needle, indicating connection of sensation. His face muscles are relaxed, but he works the muscles around his mouth at times. the staples reinforcing the incision in his head are out. 

Curiously, his motor control on his right side when he is writing is still scratches and scrawls, at times some words, I couldn't say if the medication keeps him from forming sentences or full thoughts in writing.

Thau's mum, Kafiy,  appreciates the prayers and thoughts of support from his friends as she holds daily vigil for his recovery.
  



2/5, 5:45pm - Group message update

Sacha and I had a nice hang with Thau today, he was the most active. Through his hand signs he was piecing together memories that he had of us, and writing words that seem to patch together details of his recollection, the gaps in the memory being the norm of his condition. 

His writing is still scrawl but there is an automatic memory that sometimes takes over and words form, like "hydration" because he was thirsty, he will write almost fluently.

He is stable, save for his respiratory, which seems to be a matter of clearing is lungs to stave off infection. 

Played some old school hip hop mouthing the lyrics, flashing gangsta signs, poppin' his collar.

The walk across Parc LaFontaine towards Notre-Dame Hospital

Writing - January 23rd

January 23rd

Over a week after surgery -  Thau is able to respond with his right hand, unable to open his eyes, and restrained by the tubes going in and out of his head and throat,  he reaches out for feeling and grasping to hold any human grip. 

He is in there, trapped in his body, he can hear. 

Placing my notebook under and a pen in his hand - I move his hand so he can feel the edges of the paper instructing him to write. 

He scrawls out, "They cut open my brain", and I affirm his condition out loud. 

Talking him through the scenario, asking him how he feels. He waves his fingers to respond, and sometimes his hand slumps or bangs against the side bed rail, restless and frustrated. 

He thumbs up when I suggest listening to music, and requests " Bob Marley" in writing.

After Surgery - January 16th

Surrounded by monitors, life support systems, we are told that Thau is clinging to life, and there are real dangers. The clots in his brain causing the stroke unable to be removed by the medication, therefore the part of the right side of the brain affected will die off. 

 Blood and oxygen supply to the brain are crucial, but given the weak condition of Thau's heart, any external boost to the heart which is sometimes performed is out of the question - the balance of the brain and heart bearing each there own damages suspends any possible  outlook whatsoever.

Initial Stroke - Day after. Jan 15th. 2015

Sacha messaged me the night before about the event, Thau collapsing from a stroke in the bathroom, Keithy finding him there.  It was by chance that she was home, away from work that morning because of a repairman appointment scheduled, as she would later share with me. Still aware on the floor, Thau was banging his head with his hand, in an attempt to dislodge the blood clot causing his stoke, most likely. It was the best of the worst situation, her being there and able to respond and call the ambulance.

The day after the event, arriving in the morning at Notre Dame Hospital on Sherbrooke Street. Thau's mother, Kafiy, arriving earlier that morning from a 12 hour overnight train from Moncton, NB. Sacha and myself present as doctors indicate massive swelling in the brain and request permission from Thau's mother to perform emergency surgery, opening of right skull to prevent death.

Sacha and Keithy both needed back at their respective jobs,
Thau's mother, myself waited the surgery in the hospital chapel, what was supposed to be two hours stretched thinly to five hours, as he comes out of surgery early afternoon. 

Sacha updates me later that evening that the surgery was successful and Thau's condition was stable yet still critical.